As mental health awareness, “therapy speak,” and self-care advocacy rises, so do conversations on boundaries. It isn’t uncommon to scroll social media and see colorful infographics providing step-by-step instructions on how to exit conversations and ways to shut down unhelpful feedback.

This increased awareness isn’t unwarranted—since the beginning of the COVID-19 pandemic, research suggests we’re in the midst of a mental health crisis due to rising rates of depression and anxiety. Learning how to care for ourselves has become essential, including how we navigate interpersonal relationships.

However, with all this focus on self-care and thick boundaries, there can be a question of when to draw the line. Does our commitment to self-care create an unkind society? When do boundaries blur into a lack of kindness or a recipe for isolation? Is there a time when we should give others allowances and who are those allowances allowed for? We will explore these questions and more below.

A Lot of Young People Feel That They “Don’t Owe You Anything”

Recently, I’ve seen people wearing shirts that said, “Women don’t owe you s***,” or “Black women don’t owe you s***.” Considering the legacy of gender-based and race-based oppression in our culture, the message behind this apparel makes sense to me, as a Black woman.

The underlying ethos is that due to structural oppression, marginalized folks have granted enough allowances to those who may have perpetuated harm against them. We are not responsible for educating others on our hardship and we do not owe anyone anything.

However, I have seen this sentiment extend beyond marginalized groups. Rising conversations around people-pleasing have led many young people to feel like they don’t owe anyone anything. This has extended into shutting down conversations with those who have differing views and even ending relationships over minor confrontations.

The Psychological Root of This Phenomenon

Make no mistake—it’s always important to curb the desire to people please. After all, people-pleasing is a maladaptive defense mechanism that has tons of negative implications on everything from interpersonal relationships to job performance. Plus, if we consider traditional gender norms, women and femme-identifying people have been socialized from a young age to be accommodating to others. Meanwhile, men and masc-identifying people haven’t had the same pressures to please and be accommodating placed upon them.

The Difference Between Being Nice and Being Kind

You may have heard that some people are nice but they aren’t kind. But what exactly does that mean?
According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary, nice is defined as “polite, pleasing, and agreeable.”4 Kindness, on the other hand, is defined as, “of a sympathetic or forbearing nature.”
Merriam-Webster Dictionary. Definition of kind.

Niceness is a matter of manners and values pleasing and agreeing with others. Kindness prioritizes the ability to access sympathy, gentleness, and to be helpful.

The concept of kindness is closely linked to prosocial behavior, which refers to friendly and altruistic interactions that offer a sense of interconnection throughout our society.6 (Basically, being kind to others can lead to developing authentic and friendly interpersonal relationships, which creates feelings of connectedness).

In fact, research identifies prosocial behavior as an essential component of mental health—feeling connected with others can boost feelings of happiness and belonging. Furthermore, our society relies on our ability to be interconnected. Without our ability to coexist, the basic functions of our collective culture would cease to exist.

So When Should I Exert The Extra Emotional Effort For Others?

This whole idea of what kindness we owe each other is particularly tricky when we think about it in practice. When do we owe each other kindness and when should we keep to ourselves?

What is considered standard kindness and what is unnecessary?

Every situation is unique, so consider an equation that can help you determine when extra emotional effort is warranted. First, consider if the situation at hand is one of basic manners. Is it holding the door open for someone? Returning a smile when they walk past you? Saying please and thank you? These are examples of being nice, but they go a long way.

When it comes to basic manners, the stakes are typically low, and being polite likely won’t cost you much. Reflect on how you feel when someone lets the door close in your face or scowls back when you smile at them.

When Is It *Totally* OK to Draw the Line and Set Boundaries?

Now, if the scenario at hand isn’t an issue of basic manners—for example, someone you don’t know is asking you deeply personal questions, it’s not unkind to set a boundary. You can simply say, “Oh, I’m not up for talking about that right now,” and swiftly change the subject. If someone you don’t know is asking you for help and you feel uncomfortable tapping in—perhaps your gut senses something is off or maybe you truly are in a rush to get somewhere— a “I’m so sorry, but I have to take off” works perfectly.

Take note though: If the problem at hand is an emergency, this isn’t an issue of niceness or kindness. It is basic human decency and immediately alerting emergency services, if your own safety isn’t in jeopardy, is the right thing to do. Plus, it’s probably what you’d like folks to do for you if the situation were reversed.

Times When Setting Boundaries Is OK

If someone is pressing you to defend key aspects of your personhood like your race, culture, or sexual orientation, you do not have to entertain their behavior. Being kind isn’t allowing others to insinuate the way you exist in this world is wrong.

What about if you’re having a bad day and catch yourself letting the door fall shut behind you or keeping a straight face when a stranger smiles at you? Give yourself some grace. We all have bad days and sometimes the kindness we extend to others needs to be given to ourselves. This brings us to our final point: what kindness do we owe to each other? The amount of kindness we’d like folks to extend to us.

By Julia Childs Heyl, MSW